Self-help

My life’s simple yet real dramas.

Back to Full-Time Work

Being a mother is already a full-time job.  Nobody will contest me.  But sometimes even if you just want to stay at home and be with your kids 24/7, there will come a time that you will want to give more to your children than just your time.  You’ll want to give them nicer clothes for every occasion, healthy food, toys, books, gadgets, etc… The list could go on and on, but with the current economic trend, you cannot just have one parent providing for those stuff.  Of course you’ve got to help, and being a mother you just have this innate desire to go out there and get it for your love ones by all means possible.  Working from home didn’t do the trick for me.  Maybe I’m just not one of those who’ve been successful doing it.  So I’ve got to go out there.

It has been a firm decision that I would go back to working full-time since last year after my daughter turned 1, but somehow something just gets in the way of putting that decision into action.  Then finally when we faced this dreadful situation when all 3 of our kids were hospitalized due to measles, that’s when I said “no, no more delays”.  So the soonest I’ve got all of them fully recovered, I started sending my resume to every company I could come across with, from Jobstreet to JobsDB to LinkedIn.  I went to all scheduled interviews most of them I tried to set on days when my husband is off from work because there’s no one to leave our kids with since we didn’t have any yaya.

Then after 4 months, I signed up for a job a million girls would NOT kill for.  I took it anyway because it’s with one of the strongest companies in the advertising industry.  The position?  It’s a junior level job.  Again, I took it anyway because I feel that I’m going to have to restart my career and with doing so it should be with a strong company.  I believe I am in the right place now.  It maybe unlikely but what I’ve got now is a chance – a chance to rebuild whatever was broken, to gather whatever was scattered, and to make something new in my life.  So I thank all the powers in the world beyond mine.  I am forever grateful to the people who have helped me along the way,especially during the times when I was out of control and was such a mess.  I thank the people who have understood whatever I was going through the past few years.  I thank the people who endured my “kakulitan” and “kalokohan” ways, believe me, I never thought I’d go through something like that that’s why my reaction is like that.  I think I was tested.  To the people who have caused me so much pain and misery, well I guess that’s who they really were.  Whatever they’ve done is their purpose in life, so “bahala na si Lord sa inyo”.

So now being back to a full-time corporate job I really don’t know what lies ahead of me.  I humbly raise all my concerns and troubles to God.  After all, I said before that He is my rock, I shall not fall.  I am currently training for something that my 35-year old mind is really being challenged to absorb.  I hope that what I have envisioned myself to during my younger years is something I will be able to do and accomplish now since I am already complete and have reached the true essence of being a woman.  Now, life begins to continue. Good luck to me.  I know I am never alone.

Reviving Blogging

So it has been so long since I last posted something here.  Is a few weeks so long already?  Well in the blog world I think it is, hehehe.

Anyway, I missed blogging.  Not that I’ve been a heavy blogger, but the therapeutic effect it has on me is what I missed and longed for.  Somehow blogging makes me feel like I’m a writer or columnist.  It kinda calms me and sort of organizes my mind.  It helps me plan and think creatively.  I hope I’m not sounding weird here, but that’s how blogging works for me.

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This is me now after giving birth and sleepless nights 🙂

Time is also an issue here.  A lot of things had happened over the last couple of months and I have failed to document each one of them.  They are stories that could make you laugh, think and even intrigue you.  Time could just swiftly pass you by without you realizing that the momentum of telling your story is already gone.  I have lots of thoughts and opinions about different issues and topics that I’d wanna share the blog world, but then I’ve terribly missed to do it spot on.  But now with all the resources that I have, I think I have no more excuses.  It is indeed time to revive my blog writing.  There is such a thing called “time management”, so I should start learning that being now I have so much on my plate: day job, make-up sideline, kids, etc…

I have lots of stories and I think I have a ton of photos stuck in my phone and digicam, which I have already forgotten what to write about them. I shall try my best to remember 🙂  So we are gonna do this one photo at a time.

One more thing.  I have a lot of blog sites.  Is four considered a lot?  I don’t know if that is wise though, but I’ve tried to decide on which one to keep and which one to delete.  Guess what?  I still haven’t made up my mind, hehehe.  Also, I have been planning on having a schedule for my blogging, since I have several sites to keep.  However, laziness most of the time corrupts me.  So forgive me for being like that.  I will try my best to beat that evil.

I’ve got so many plans for my blog sites that I’m very much excited to do!  So many stories to tell, so many photos to share!  I won’t pressure my self anymore.  What’s important is that I share them to you.  So I hope you keep on checking out my page!  Read on!

Be Kind…

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. –Plato

Yesterday, I read this words of wisdom from my iPod Touch.  This simple reminder made me realize that my battles in life could be nothing compared to others out there.  So, I should just be glad of my blessings and just act on my problems one at a time.

I turned 34 Today

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Happy birthday to me!

January 31st is my favorite day in the world!  I turned 34 today and I spent the day trying to relax myself of all the sadness and stress.  Fortunately it went fine, until around early evening when I desperately tried to race with time to hear mass, which I frustratingly missed anyway.  To compensate, I just went to the Adoration Chapel and offered a sincere prayer.  Here is a glimpse of the simple celebration we had at home.

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Make a wish and blow the candles

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Lighting the candles again…

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Simple celebration on my 34th birthday.

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Russel’s turn to blow the candle.

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Rafa’s turn to blow the candles.

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Thank God for another blessing of life.

 

The Forgotten Self

I have completely forgotten about myself.

Ever since I got pregnant and married, I found myself struggling to be effective to my new roles in life – a wife and a mother.  Not to mention that I also took the role of a mother to my husband’s love child.  Maybe it was just me, but I took these three life changing roles too seriously all at the same time with a positive heart and with no complaints.  Little did I know that such change will eat me up alive and whole.

As days turned into weeks and then months, I didn’t notice that  I was giving in to stuff that happens to be what we can only afford and get-by with and not necessarily what I wanted to have for me and my family.  It was like unknowingly, but forcefully pushing  myself to accept what is already there and just humbly be contented with them.

This has brought me into what I will call the “settling-for-attitude.”  It’s different from being contented because being contented means you are happy with what you have or satisfied with the result.  As for the settling-for-attitude, it is accepting something that is not as good as one wanted, according to Oxford Word Power Dictionary.   I lost the desire to go aim and work for my dreams and goals.  I just settled for what’s in front of me or what is presented to me.  I wasn’t after what was better or excellent.  I settled for the little and the few that was given to me like time, effort, understanding, appreciation, LOVE…  I was so into making other people happy and serving them the best that I can.  I was doing all I can to provide and take care for the people I love.  I wasn’t aware that I wasn’t getting any of those back, although looking at my son and spending time with him somehow compensates for whatever was missing.

I used to think that it wasn’t for me to complain, demand or ask for more because there are other who really don’t have anything in life. There are far more people who are less unfortunate and more deprived than me, so who am I to complain and be dismayed.  I thought that compromising would be a better choice.  I may have compromised too much of myself in the process.

I was like this for two years.  I was alone in this mind-set.  I lured myself into this misery.  Things got even worse.  I was faced with a heartbreaking truth.  I believe I lost the love of my life.  I was cheated on, lied to and was betrayed repeatedly by the only person I truly trusted and unconditionally accepted.  I was devastated, pounded, crushed and was self-destructing.  Confused.  Wrecked.  Lost.  I wasn’t good enough.  I thought I was happy, but I wasn’t.  I thought I could retaliated gracefully and become a better person, but I wasn’t.

One early morning when I was contemplating again my wants and goals list, it hit me.  The reason why I am like this now is because I had no idea that I have completely forgotten about myself.  I have forgotten about my dreams; what I’m good at; what I was aiming for after graduating from college.  I HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME.  The closest person to me didn’t care about what’s going on with me.  I was so alone.

I have forgotten that I wanted to have my own advertising agency or put up my own events company.  I used to be very keen about this until I met my husband and completely  got out of touch with who I am.  I have forgotten about the joy it brings me whenever I organize events or plan something for a client.  I have forgotten about how passionate I can be doing my job, how spontaneous I can get, and how interesting I can be.

Stress and depression was like a cancer to me.  I was eaten up whole and couldn’t cope up and get fired-up to function well at work and at home.  No matter how I try to learn something new, I was just not absorbing anything.  I was wasting my time and energy.  This is also the reason why I can’t have a positive outlook in life.  No matter how many self-help books and articles I read there is just nothing happening.

Now, I thank God that I finally realized this.  I know that recovering from this is going to be hard and long, but I’m now determined to get there.  This time I’m not gonna settle for anything less than what I really want.

Infidelity

I came across a statement of one celebrity radio dj and it goes like this, “why be in a relationship when you are incapable of being faithful? You are ruining the chance of the peron you are hurting being loved by someone else.”  Well, to that effect. I forgot the exact words.  I have to admit I have the same question I want to ask someone. What is that? Is that plain selfishness and greed?  Getting into a relationship witb someone and not being content with it and instead of working things out, you get solutions from another person by having a relationship with them as well.  What really is that?

Experiencing something like that myself, I discovered that I have a great deal of difficulty bouncing back and moving forward.  Knowing the emotional person that I am, this thing has become a huge boulder I carry on my shoulders.  A lot of people has coached me to fight out the negativity that the situation has brought me, but the thing is, I really cannot win over my hurt self. That is just it.  The hurt, the pain, is something I simply cannot just wash away with running water. It’s not.  This is something one doesn’t get trained for to deal with.  It would just happen.  And sometimes, it would just hit you right in our face.

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Heartbreak

Maybe it’s best not to talk to you anymore. It really breaks my heart to realize that you are not the person I thought you were – someone whom you have made me to believe in. I never thought that I would ever go through this kind of experience, but they say that it is the only way one could sharpen his/her wisdom. If I knew this is how painful it could get, I should not have ever bargained to be in your life. Yes, regrets. I’m regretting I ever said yes to you. I regret that I befriended you, you fake asshole! Yes, anger. I’m angry at you and at myself you won’t have any idea how much.

I want to deny myself of any affiliation I have with you. I don’t like you anymore… I don’t feel love for you anymore. I despise you! If I knew I would only become a monster because of you, I should not have talked to you. I should have looked right through you.

I am battling with myself, which I shouldn’t.