I have completely forgotten about myself.
Ever since I got pregnant and married, I found myself struggling to be effective to my new roles in life – a wife and a mother. Not to mention that I also took the role of a mother to my husband’s love child. Maybe it was just me, but I took these three life changing roles too seriously all at the same time with a positive heart and with no complaints. Little did I know that such change will eat me up alive and whole.
As days turned into weeks and then months, I didn’t notice that I was giving in to stuff that happens to be what we can only afford and get-by with and not necessarily what I wanted to have for me and my family. It was like unknowingly, but forcefully pushing myself to accept what is already there and just humbly be contented with them.
This has brought me into what I will call the “settling-for-attitude.” It’s different from being contented because being contented means you are happy with what you have or satisfied with the result. As for the settling-for-attitude, it is accepting something that is not as good as one wanted, according to Oxford Word Power Dictionary. I lost the desire to go aim and work for my dreams and goals. I just settled for what’s in front of me or what is presented to me. I wasn’t after what was better or excellent. I settled for the little and the few that was given to me like time, effort, understanding, appreciation, LOVE… I was so into making other people happy and serving them the best that I can. I was doing all I can to provide and take care for the people I love. I wasn’t aware that I wasn’t getting any of those back, although looking at my son and spending time with him somehow compensates for whatever was missing.
I used to think that it wasn’t for me to complain, demand or ask for more because there are other who really don’t have anything in life. There are far more people who are less unfortunate and more deprived than me, so who am I to complain and be dismayed. I thought that compromising would be a better choice. I may have compromised too much of myself in the process.
I was like this for two years. I was alone in this mind-set. I lured myself into this misery. Things got even worse. I was faced with a heartbreaking truth. I believe I lost the love of my life. I was cheated on, lied to and was betrayed repeatedly by the only person I truly trusted and unconditionally accepted. I was devastated, pounded, crushed and was self-destructing. Confused. Wrecked. Lost. I wasn’t good enough. I thought I was happy, but I wasn’t. I thought I could retaliated gracefully and become a better person, but I wasn’t.
One early morning when I was contemplating again my wants and goals list, it hit me. The reason why I am like this now is because I had no idea that I have completely forgotten about myself. I have forgotten about my dreams; what I’m good at; what I was aiming for after graduating from college. I HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME. The closest person to me didn’t care about what’s going on with me. I was so alone.
I have forgotten that I wanted to have my own advertising agency or put up my own events company. I used to be very keen about this until I met my husband and completely got out of touch with who I am. I have forgotten about the joy it brings me whenever I organize events or plan something for a client. I have forgotten about how passionate I can be doing my job, how spontaneous I can get, and how interesting I can be.
Stress and depression was like a cancer to me. I was eaten up whole and couldn’t cope up and get fired-up to function well at work and at home. No matter how I try to learn something new, I was just not absorbing anything. I was wasting my time and energy. This is also the reason why I can’t have a positive outlook in life. No matter how many self-help books and articles I read there is just nothing happening.
Now, I thank God that I finally realized this. I know that recovering from this is going to be hard and long, but I’m now determined to get there. This time I’m not gonna settle for anything less than what I really want.